8.13.06: Ambrushed

By Kissel

It was an absolutely beautiful night at JJ Walker field, perhaps the best weather we have had all year. It was unclear if we would have a full compliment of players, and at the time that DLee and PeteB moved to the deliberation chamber to choose up sides, we had only 14 guys. Eventually, some late comers would show up, bringing the final number to 17.

Team names were not used during the game. For the sake of discussion, we will call DLee's team Sgt. Elias and PeteB's team Sgt. Barnes. Those who recall the movie Platoon will note that Barnes ambushed Elias, and the same fate would befall DLee's squad. At first sight, it appeared that Elias was a bomb squad, with mashers like Justin, Hussar, DLee and Deion.

Barnes also had a tough team (PeteB, Lex, Wazzo, Evan, Doug, CSDave, Matt H, Andrew C), but somehow we were confident, too confident, of victory. In the first inning, that overconfidence seemed to be justified; Elias put up 8 runs with only one out, capped off by Justin's massive CSHR that landed on the far side of St. Lukes Place (Leroy Street). Evan came in in relief and put out the fire, but it looked like it would be a laugher for Elias. The movie tagline for Platoon was "The First Casuality of War is Innocence." The first casuality of this war would be arrogance.

Our swagger only brought out the competitive spirit in Barnes. By the end of the second inning, the score was 8-5. Then the wheels came off the Elias cart. Barnes busted out with a 13 run third. Much of the rally was aided by inept defense on the part of the Elias squad, and Team Barnes took full advantage. Balls not booted by Elias, were crushed by Barnes. PeteB hit the first of 2 CSHRs, and I believe Andrew C also had a CSHR.

With the score 18-8, DLee and company finally realized that this was going to be a real battle, one that they would likely lose. You can tell when DLee gets serious by the fact that democratic defensive positioning gets tossed out in favor of a rigid defensive alignment. It didn't help. Team Barnes utilized a trio of tough pitchers to baffle Elias. Doug and Wazzo used the spin ball to great effect, and Matt H. used speed and location (his location-he stood about 5 feet from home plate) to stifle the Elias bats. DLee, still confident of a comeback, allowed
latecomer James to join the already dominating Barnes squad. He promptly crushed a CSHR that earned him the "Better Get Maaco" award by denting a parked car.

On a play that typified the evening that Team Elias was having, Deion, playing left field, lost a ball in the lights. After calling off DLee, he charged in, but then dropped to his knees, and held both arms up in the air. A perfect rendition of the Willem Dafoe's death pose as the ball bounced in front of him. Despite a last inning mini-rally, Barnes crushed Elias 26-16.

***

TWIB Notes:

1)As mentioned, Pete had 2 CSHR's. The first was a meaty semi-line drive that easily cleared the trees, and the second was a moon shot that traveled a linear distance of 400 feet. He also hit what appeared to be an uncalled HR, but it was ruled foul. That led to a rule change: any
non-called shot that clears the fence ends the inning. We will see if that rule sticks.

2)CSDave had a nice game in the field, especially the infield, making several nice pickups and throws over to first.

3)Andrew C is a fearsome hitter, and his glove was sharp too. He came within one foot or less of a scoreboard shot. He also told me that he has decided to not step into any pitches for fear of another IEHR. He also came through with pork rinds and beer.
4)One bright spot for Elias was Kissel Sr., who hit the highest portion of the center field fence twice, and came just short of a opposite field CSHR. This prompted DLee to ask if he was on the juice. He also made a diving stop at second complete with a throw over to first from his back that nearly caught the runner.

5)James hit perhaps the hardest laser-beam shot off the fence that I have ever seen. He blamed his aggression on being stuck in traffic for 2 hours.

6)Hussar was a Hoover at third making some awesome plays.

7)DLee hit a nice shot that looked destined to be a CSHR but was eaten and spit out by the tree
in left field.

8.6.6: Let's Play Two, I Mean One

First of all, and most importantly, THERE WERE TWO GAMES TONIGHT. If we get nuked tomorrow and this blog post is all that remains of what was a wild and stupid Sunday night of softball, let our children remember that we won Game 1 5-4 and they won Game 2 something like 9-6.

We were up 5-0 going into the top of the "9th" in Game 1. We all agreed that it was their last chance to tie the score. They rallied, and came up with 4 runs, but when I caught a fly ball to center to end the inning, THE GAME WAS OVER. I threw the ball in to the infield behind my back in celebration and got ready for Game 2. OVER. GAME 1. OVER.

Then they were all, no, let's keep playing wah wah wah and so we reluctantly agreed. We put down the mushy ball and switched to a much harder ball that gave their big bats an edge. And they put a hurtin' on us. But it should have been the second game, and so it officially will be.

We came back in the bottom of the 9th and cut the lead to 9-6 (13-11) with one out, but then AC hit a GEHR and that was that.

I suggested Ray Parker Jr. and Huey Lewis as team names but DLee said it was too obscure. oh well, I'm going with it anyway.

Now on to the non-recap:

My JV baseball coach Mr. Piazza* was a real character, a classic hardass with a heart of gold. He had that Bobby Knight thing where you hated him but you loved him at the same time and you'd do anything to gain his approval. He had a saying, "After nine innings, if you don't smell like a homeless person, you ain't hustling."

Well, Coach Piazza, I must have hustled tonight, because when I got home I reeked of beer, urine, sweat, and maybe even a little unidentifiable general homelessness. And I wasn't alone.
The stench was with us tonight, and I doubt there was a person out there who could look me in the eye and say "It wasn't me."

Coach P. also used to make a big point about "No matter how you played today, there was something you could have done better and something you could have done worse." The morning after every game he'd leave a note in each of our lockers with the paper divided in half by a line. In the left hand column it was "Things you should be ashamed of" and on the right it was "Things you should be proud of."

Ok, Coach P., this 18-player postgame evaluation is for you. No order, and remember that I was kinda drunk.

1) Ambrose:
Should be ashamed of: failing to run out his infield dink shot in a close game (he'd have easily been safe); failing to come up with a better excuse than "I don't take charity"; threatening to call a strike on John Red Sox fan when John did his usual semi-swing at the first pitch of an at-bat.
Should be proud of: almost killing a couple of soccer players with a hard hit shot to right; running hard and fast several times; consuming 24 ounces of beer in under three minutes after the game ended.
2) Joe M.:
Ashamed: failing to acknowledge that Game 1 was a legitimate, self-contained piece of history; attempting to switch balls to gain an edge.
Proud: an amazing play at third base, reaching behind the bag to snare the ball and then firing a strike to get the dude at first; driving me home from the game; bringing beers.
3) DLee:
Ashamed: failing to acknowledge Game 1's legitimacy; somehow avoiding playing catcher for more than a minute or two; denying my Ray Parker Huey Lewis team names after I gave his suggested names from a coule weeks back big kwachas.
Proud: finding his hitting stroke; making a great play at third that was ruined when Matt Danbuddy dropped his perfect throw; inviting Kathy.
4) Matt D.:
Ashamed: dropping DLee's perfect throw; misplaying a couple balls at first; throwing his weird junkballs up there when he was pitching.
Proud: bringing a bat; lining some nice hits all over the field; being a nice guy.
5) Cigarette-smoking Dave:
Ashamed: Wearing jeans to the game; pitching real bad; cursing when he made an out.
Proud: Showing some good intensity; helping keep good mushy balls in play.
6) James:
Ashamed: Not living up to his Bunyanesque status -- failed to hit a mushy-ball CSHR.
Proud:hitting some terrifying shots as usual; showcasing primal, beastlike ability; spreading goodwill.
7) Doug:
Proud: Solid overall play including a couple of big hits in their rally innings; constructive "bitching and whining" at soccer ref.
Ashamed: using term "bitching and whining" to describe his own actions.
8) Hussar:
Ashamed: thrown out trying to take extra bases approximately 17 times; tried to murder Wazzo as Wazzo rounded third.
Proud: on base almost every time and hit several mushy balls to deep outfield; played some nice overall ball.
9) Leigh:
Ashamed: failing to muscle up and smack one out despite arriving in muscle-showcasing wifebeater.
Proud: improved D and fine, samurai-like HR call.
10) Dan K.:
Ashamed: failing to hit huge CSHR even after I offered to touch him in his special place if he did so.
Proud: Solid hitting and fielding; best line of the night: "Since this game was so close, why don't we just continue it next week?"
11) Wazzo:
Ashamed: not hitting any freaky Australian CSHR's.
Proud: Great play at 3rd to get us out of a scary inning; good speed on bases; bringing beers.
12) Red Sox John:
Ashamed: wearing jeans to a softball game; taking too long in the batter's box; not charging the ball in the infield; liking the Red Sox.
Proud: some decent rips and two absolute game-saving plays in leftfield, both in the same inning.
13) Kissel Sr.:
Ashamed: jeans, Red Sox; playing too close to the fence in the OF.
Proud: Some excellent hitting, including a beautiful double to right field; continuing to prove that he is the best opposite field hitter there is.
14) Me:
Ashamed: several errors, including the first two plays of the game and a dropped throw from Dan K. on a play where we could have nailed James at the plate; not putting up a stink when they failed to acknowledge our Game 1 win; being drunk; wearing the same outfit I wear every week.
Proud: Brought beer, pretzels; got some good hits and knocked in a few dudes.
15) Pete B.
Ashamed: letting his anti-soccer player rage get the better of him, causing him to strike out; spiking the ball in the outfield for no good reason, allowing a run to score.
Proud: the game's only CSHR, a real nice meaty shot that I think may still be stuck up in the softball tree; fine play overall; screaming at the stupid fucking softball players several times.
16) Evan:
Ashamed: Nothing
Proud: A couple of good hits; a tremendous over the shoulder catch on a popup with men on base; generally intelligent conversation.
17) Andrew C.:
Ashamed: two IEHR's, including the game-ender; wearing a football jersey to a softball game.
Proud: two nice IEHR's; a mushy ball shot to left center that would have gone 450 feet with a regular ball; brought beer and snacks, including pork rinds.
18) Kathy:
Ashamed: not playing quite as well as she did last time; wearing baseball pants.
Proud: a great barehanded pickup and throw to first; wearing baseball pants.

There you have it. A doubleheader split. Work on your weaknesses and we'll see you next week.

* I never had a coach named Mr. Piazza. I never had a coach, period. I have never played one second of organized sports. Anybody else with me on that?

7.30.6: I Want To Kiss You

tha pbdotc: is it me or does it smell like No. 2 in here?
darvin ham: haha
darvin ham: there will be 20.000 bottles of that shipped out to india this time next year
darvin ham: reecap today? a bit lsater on?
tha pbdotc: i kind of like the smell of old No. 2
tha pbdotc: oh, this is the recap MAng!!!
darvin ham: ill wait for the Zimmer fragrance
tha pbdotc: eau de Helmet
darvin ham: deer urine and listerine
darvin ham: you can float your dentures in it
tha pbdotc: hey who gets your game ball?
darvin ham: the guy
tha pbdotc: that guy?
darvin ham: yup
tha pbdotc: the guy who had the hit?
darvin ham: the drunk guy
tha pbdotc: oooohhh yeah ... kissel aka dave
tha pbdotc: oh he was in mint form
darvin ham: i thionk he was drunk. at least thats what i tell myself. makes me more comfortable about him staggering over and saying "I want to kiss you"
tha pbdotc: he kissed you too? hans gave him his only bottle of gatorade after the game so he could hydrate
darvin ham: dave had some clutch cracks though. the juice suits him
darvin ham: i sensed massive testosterone spike
tha pbdotc: plus the diving stab at 2nd and the turn and throw and fall down
tha pbdotc: the game also featured the first-ever IIEHR*
tha pbdotc: * intentional inning-ending home run
tha pbdotc: from the bat of Just
darvin ham: very noble.
tha pbdotc: how bout Test vs. Tost? for team namez?
darvin ham: [work calling]
darvin ham: [i may go dormant for strecthes with work]
tha pbdotc: we'll take this easy like sunday morning
darvin ham: speaking of game balls, that ball was the softest yet. i saw more bounce in a goat carcass in a game of Afghan Buzkashi i played in 02
tha pbdotc: are you doing a graphic of castro wrapped in a large intestine for your page?
darvin ham: i was in afghanistan for a story. it was weird. Warren was there
darvin ham: he said he was a "translator" but wouldnt let me take his picture
darvin ham: he also slept in a spider hole and tackled a spooked camel with his bare hands
tha pbdotc: did you see what spooked the camel?
darvin ham: i think i spooked it. i spooked a few people that day. it was hot so i was wearing my rasheed wallace bullets jersey and nothing else
darvin ham: i call this photo "fear pouch"
tha pbdotc: btw warren is a nice player ... i mean for a CIA agent.
tha pbdotc: HTat is one of my favorite pics!!!
darvin ham: he had that leaping snare late in the game
darvin ham: he must haave thought he was back playing cricket as a Grammar boy, playing Silly Mid-Off
tha pbdotc: i hear his nickname in astoria is OMnibus because he'll play any sport with a ball in it except waterpolo
darvin ham: its a real position, you can look it up
darvin ham: nice
tha pbdotc: you have to have a midoff when your bowler is spinning googlies
darvin ham: is that because of the jellyfish in the astoria pool?
tha pbdotc: thoooooose aren't jelllllllly fish!!
tha pbdotc: who was the guy with the 'red sox fan for life shirt'?
tha pbdotc: he made a nice, athletic play at first
darvin ham: hes no kathy
tha pbdotc: kathy hasn't been there lately she's working on her "Ripken Way for Girls" instructional DVd
darvin ham: i think we need a mascot.
darvin ham: people should hop on the comments board and suggest mascot names
tha pbdotc: agreed. best mascot name in Hans's judgment will receive 5 Verbungle Genius Points
darvin ham: and a bat boy
darvin ham: maybe Mathew Brodericks kid
tha pbdotc: how bout an Irishman named Clincher McDrinky for mascot
darvin ham: we wouldnt even need a costume
darvin ham: and we need to sell naming rights to the field
darvin ham: maybe to a pork rind manufracturer
tha pbdotc: we could change the generic scoreboard to an AD for rindz
tha pbdotc: and if you hit it the loudspeakers go OINK OINK each base as you touch em all
darvin ham: heres our mascot
tha pbdotc: Rindy
tha pbdotc: do you remember any other in-game feats?
tha pbdotc: i know Hussar made a good catch in right cuz i made the outdarvin ham: Danny made a fancyboy polay at short
darvin ham: in the tips oif the webbing and a spinning throw
darvin ham: he even looked like he had impressed himselftha pbdotc: indeed that was a good one ... he got a golf clap
tha pbdotc: that was just prior to the onslaught
darvin ham: and he think he had a tough grab in the field
darvin ham: there was a nice grab, maynbe by justin? at second
darvin ham: on a low line drive
tha pbdotc: Danny gets the Game Ball!
tha pbdotc: justin is like a vacuum out there
darvin ham: i feel like manute bol when i play 3rd
tha pbdotc: too tall?
darvin ham: big heart, long legs, comical play
tha pbdotc: i saw one go under the reggie mitt. but later on you threw a BB from dead CF right into my mitt at 3rd
darvin ham: im like a circus freak. not the kind of cirecus freak you want in the infield though
darvin ham: not like some circus lady with giant vagina hands
darvin ham: that would be better
tha pbdotc: baseball is like that. lots of ups and downs. i think harold reynolds once said, "baseball is a crazy game: you never know when you'll make an out and you never know when you'll bang an intern."
tha pbdotc: hey did you get the digital stills onto your computer?
darvin ham: let me try now
tha pbdotc: okay ... send em to me or bungmeister at verbungle dot com
tha pbdotc: that's hans's work email
tha pbdotc: and i'll catchya later ... must begin my day of toil
darvin ham: cool. ive got to work up an interactive web feature at work
darvin ham: its a photoessay on "The F**king Jews of Malibu"
tha pbdotc: lol
tha pbdotc: that'll go down in history with the yeltsin obit

Editors Note: Our team, Time, beat D. Lee's team, All Living Things, 12-5 and 4-3 in the two games of the twinbill. 18 men showed up. D. Lee and I both hit CSHR's in game 1. Not sure about anybody else. Pics courtesy of James and Leigh in no particular order. I have more pics if you want 'em, let me know and I will email you.